Nestlé Acquires Borough Market in £2.3B Leveraged Buyout
Legacy vendors face non-compete and Sysco-only supply mandate as 800-year-old market falls to Swiss multinational.
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Soros-Funded Antifa Operatives Accused of Reflecting Pool Sabotage Using Advanced Stealth Technology
Officials claim radical leftist vandals used cloaking devices, encrypted communications, and quantum-based algae deployment technology to attack the nation’s reflecting pool.
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Trump Orders Greenland Invasion To Secure Future Of Endless Shrimp
The White House says control of Greenland is necessary to ensure long-term shrimp abundance and protect America’s access to all-you-can-eat seafood.
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Macron Admits He Pranked Trump Into Signing Iran Agreement at Versailles
French president says selecting Versailles for the signing was not an accident.
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Facebook Removes Ability To Create Posts Or Connect With Friends, Refocuses Platform Around Pure Doom Scrolling
Meta says Facebook will remove outdated social features and concentrate on what users actually do now: stare into an endless algorithmic feed until they feel worse.
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Trump Signs Articles of Surrender at Versailles
Administration officials celebrate what they describe as one of the most successful capitulations ever negotiated by an American president.
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Congress Escalates Fight Against Transgender Mice
A growing political controversy over ’transgender mice’ produces legislation, hearings, campaign graphics, and increasingly surreal headlines.
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Sony Re-Releases Double Fantasy as Single Fantasy, Removes Yoko Songs and Half the Album Cover
Sony unveils a streamlined edition of Double Fantasy featuring only John Lennon tracks, a renamed album, and a cover photo showing Lennon romantically kissing empty space.
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Microsoft Reopens Three Mile Island to Power AI Data Centers, Sets Sights on Fukushima and Chernobyl for Future Expansion
Microsoft unveils a long-term AI energy strategy that identifies Fukushima and Chernobyl as promising infrastructure opportunities.
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Nation’s Artists Stricken By Sudden Outbreak Of The Yips After Being Asked To Perform At Trump Celebration
Federal health officials monitor a rapidly developing outbreak of artistic yips after performers become unable to appear at Trump’s upcoming celebration.
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