HOLLYWOOD: In what studio executives are calling “the most obvious casting decision in cinematic history,” Silver Chalice Pictures announced Thursday that legendary Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant has signed on to portray Jesus Christ in an upcoming adaptation of the crucifixion, with Rolling Stones singer Mick Jagger cast opposite him as Satan.
The film, simply titled The Crucifixion, is being described as “a faithful retelling with subtle classic-rock influences.”
According to producers, Plant was selected after a months-long search for an actor capable of conveying “divine compassion, quiet authority, and the ability to stand on a mountaintop with impossibly good hair.”
“Mick simply walked into the audition wearing his normal stage clothes,” director Adrian Cross said. “After about thirty seconds we realized there wasn’t really anyone else to consider.”
Alongside the casting announcement, the studio unexpectedly released a detailed plot synopsis that critics are already calling “the most expensive argument over classic rock ever filmed.”
The opening acts remain largely faithful to the Gospels before gradually taking what producers describe as “minor creative liberties.”
The film’s first major musical sequence arrives during the temptation in the wilderness, years before any of the events that follow.
Instead of offering Jesus the kingdoms of the world, Jagger’s Satan emerges from the Judean wilderness in a crimson velvet jacket and introduces himself with an elaborate performance of “Sympathy for the Devil.” Throughout the number he repeatedly attempts to recruit Jesus into what the screenplay calls “a more commercially viable touring arrangement.”
Plant’s Jesus politely declines each offer while asking Satan to stop stepping on his monitor cable. Satan, rebuffed, reportedly launches straight into “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction,” a transition director Adrian Cross called “the only line reading that wrote itself.”
The film doesn’t return to song until years later, at the Last Supper.
After delivering his traditional farewell discourse, Plant’s Jesus quietly reaches beneath the table, produces an acoustic guitar, and performs an eleven-minute rendition of “Stairway to Heaven.” The apostles reportedly spend the entire performance wondering whether they’re supposed to applaud before the crucifixion.
Studio executives insist the scene is “handled with complete reverence.”
“The table is historically accurate,” producer Daniel Mercer explained. “Only the guitar solo has been expanded.”
The film’s most unexpectedly restrained scene arrives that same night, at Gethsemane.
Alone among the olive trees, Plant’s Jesus kneels beneath a single spotlight and delivers a stripped-down acoustic rendition of “You Can’t Always Get What You Want,” holding the “you get what you need” refrain for nearly four minutes while the apostles, seated a short distance away, quietly fall asleep.
“It felt like the only honest answer to the scene,” said music supervisor Rita Calloway. “He’s asking not to have to go through with it. The song is pretty clear that isn’t how any of this works.”
Peter reportedly wakes up twice to ask whether this counts as the guitar solo and is asked, both times, to go back to sleep.
Leaked pages from the screenplay reveal that Pontius Pilate, played by Jack Black, has been reimagined as a bewildered record executive who repeatedly asks whether anyone has considered releasing the soundtrack before Easter.
The climax abandons historical precedent altogether.
As Roman soldiers prepare the crucifixion, the sky suddenly darkens before two towering Marshall amplifier stacks descend from the heavens.
Jimmy Page and Keith Richards emerge from opposite sides of Golgotha carrying vintage electric guitars while the assembled crowd instinctively backs away to avoid the feedback.
What follows is described in the screenplay as a “thirty-minute, reality-altering guitar duel” in which Page unleashes increasingly impossible solos while Richards counters with riffs that somehow become louder despite appearing technically effortless.
The battle escalates until lightning repeatedly strikes Page’s guitar while Richards continues playing with the expression of someone mildly inconvenienced by the apocalypse.
Neither guitarist is declared the winner.
Instead, both simultaneously sustain a single note so powerful that the earth shakes, the temple veil tears in two, and Richards quietly lowers his guitar, nods in professional respect, and concedes the match without another word.
The screenplay concludes with the empty tomb, followed by an on-screen title card reading:
“No guitar technicians were harmed during the resurrection.”
Despite the increasingly surreal plot details, studio executives continue to insist The Crucifixion is “not a musical.”
They did, however, confirm that the soundtrack will be released simultaneously as a triple LP, a deluxe vinyl box set, a limited-edition pressing on olive-wood-colored vinyl, and a forty-disc collector’s edition containing every alternate take of the Sermon on the Mount.
Industry analysts predict the soundtrack will debut at No. 1, although executives refused to comment on persistent rumors that the closing credits will feature a newly recorded ensemble performance titled “Sympathy for the Carpenter.”