REDMOND, WA — Fresh off its widely publicized effort to bring the dormant nuclear facilities at Three Mile Island back online to meet the insatiable energy demands of artificial intelligence, Microsoft executives announced Thursday that the company is already evaluating additional “underutilized nuclear assets,” including the former site of the Chernobyl disaster.
Company officials described the Ukrainian location as “a tremendous opportunity” due to what they called its “existing nuclear branding, available real estate, and exceptionally low levels of competing development.”
“We’re always looking for sustainable energy solutions,” said a Microsoft spokesperson while standing in front of a slide titled Untapped Glow-Based Infrastructure Opportunities. “When we looked at Chernobyl, we saw a facility that has been generating public awareness continuously since 1986. That’s the kind of long-term reliability our customers expect.”
According to internal planning documents, Microsoft believes the site’s exclusion zone could be repurposed into what executives call an “AI Innovation Preserve,” featuring hyperscale data centers, autonomous maintenance robots, and what one presentation described as “the world’s largest naturally occurring server room cooling system.”
The company reportedly became interested after researchers discovered that modern AI models consume enough electricity to make previous generations of energy-intensive technologies appear “quaint and environmentally responsible by comparison.”
Industry analysts say the proposal is a logical next step.
“Five years ago, companies were looking for cheap office space,” said technology analyst Karen Feldman. “Today they’re evaluating abandoned nuclear facilities, decommissioned aircraft carriers, and active volcanoes. The energy requirements have become difficult to discuss with a straight face.”
Sources inside Microsoft say several alternative sites were also considered, including the core of the Earth, a Dyson sphere, and convincing the Sun to sign a long-term power purchase agreement.
The proposed Chernobyl campus would reportedly house next-generation AI systems tasked with solving humanity’s greatest challenges, including climate change, cancer, and generating photorealistic images of raccoons wearing medieval armor.
Not everyone is convinced.
Environmental groups expressed concern about the plan, while local residents questioned whether placing humanity’s most powerful machine-learning systems inside a region made famous by a catastrophic reactor failure might send the wrong message.
Microsoft officials dismissed the criticism.
“People said reopening Three Mile Island sounded absurd,” said one executive. “Now look where we are. We have successfully moved the conversation from ‘Why would you do that?’ to ‘Which nuclear disaster site is next?’ That’s the kind of innovation leadership investors reward.”
The company concluded the press conference by unveiling a roadmap showing future expansion opportunities at locations labeled simply “Fukushima Phase I,” “Atlantis Energy Campus,” and “Moon Reactor (Pending Discovery).” Analysts noted that the final slide contained the phrase ‘Net-Zero By 2040, Regardless of What Happens To The Grid.’
At press time, Microsoft had reportedly asked AI models to estimate humanity’s future electricity needs, only to receive a recommendation to immediately begin construction of a second Sun.